What NOT To Say Or Do When Someone Dies

Losing someone you love is never easy, but losing someone during the holiday season is especially hard.  All at once, you have to deal with the death of your loved one while going through the holidays without them.  It really becomes a season of sadness and grief.

Lord knows I know this all too well.  My father died just days before Thanksgiving in 2008.  Even though it's been six years, the holidays have just never been quite the same for me.  I do my best to muster up some happiness and holiday spirit so I can create great memories for my kids, but the sense of loss and sadness is still there.  I miss my Daddy terribly, of course.  But the holidays are also a reminder ... an "anniversary" of sorts ... of his passing.

Since Thanksgiving this year, we've had people close to us pass away.  My husband's former co-worker and friend passed away just days after Thanksgiving.  A friend of our family lost her battle to cancer last weekend.  My heart and prayers go out to their families.

Thinking of these families made me reflect back to when my Daddy passed away.  My Daddy was a big man in stature, presence, and heart.  When news got out that he died, my Mama, sister, and I were overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support shown to us by friends, family, and community.

When someone dies, it can be difficult to find just the right words to say.  While I know everyone meant well, there were lots of awkward moments when folks came to visit.  I've compiled a list of things NOT to say or do when you are visiting or offering condolences to someone in bereavement.

DO NOT ASK "WHAT HAPPENED?"  The last thing someone wants to do is recount the story of how their loved one passed away over and over again.  My Daddy had his health issues, but his passing was sudden and unexpected.  I lost count of the number of times that I or my Mama or sister was asked how Daddy died.  It got to the point that when I heard someone ask my Mama or sister, I would leave the room.  If they asked me, I'd give them my signature side-eye and simply say, "He died."  After a while, folks got the message.  Some folks were genuinely concerned and trying to make sense of his passing.  Others were just plain nosy.  Either way, the point is don't ask.

DO NOT SAY "I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL" OR "I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH".  Ahhhh ... no.  You don't.  Even if you have lost someone you are close to or someone you love, that's you.  Your experience was your experience, but you don't know what the bereaved is feeling.  Let them be in their feelings and not make their loss about you.

IT'S OKAY NOT TO SAY ANYTHING.  Really, it is.  I'll be the first to admit that I am terrible at offering condolences.  Just let the bereaved know you love them, you are thinking of them, you are praying for them, and you are there if they need you.  That's enough.

A few months after my Daddy passed away, I was at a store in my hometown when I ran into a lady I've known all my life.  We went to the same church, I played with her kids when we were younger, and her family and my Daddy's family have known each other forever.  When she saw me, she ran up to me to talk to me.  She asked about Mama and my sister.  Then she said, "Girl, I couldn't come to Ernest's funeral.  He was my friend, and his death hurt me to my heart.  I just couldn't take it!" 

Wait.  What?!?!?  Did she really just say that to me?  I had an out-of-body experience and don't even remember what I said to her (I hope is wasn't too much of a smart ass remark, but somehow I doubt that it wasn't.), but she quickly apologized.  I know she meant well.  Again, sometimes silence is just fine.

DO NOT ASK "HOW ARE YOU DOING?"  Well, let's see.  Someone I love very much just passed away.  I'll never be able to see, talk to, or hug them again.  How do you think I'm doing? 

DO NOT SAY "LET ME KNOW IF YOU NEED ANYTHING" IF YOU DON'T REALLY MEAN IT.  Simple, right?  You made the offer, so keep your word.

DO NOT SAY "THEY ARE IN A BETTER PLACE".  Yeah, very little comfort there.  Maybe the deceased had been fighting a health battle and death has eased their suffering, but it doesn't ease the bereaved.

There are really no magic words or deeds that will make everything better when you are trying to comfort someone who has lost a loved one.   Offer your sympathy.  Share a special memory or a funny story of the deceased.  Be a shoulder to cry on, if needed.  Just let the bereaved know of your care and concern and that you are willing to support them during this difficult time.  Simple kindness goes a long way.