Losing Mama

My mother passed away a few days ago.  I cry even as I type that.  It still doesn't even seem real yet.

My mother had Alzheimer's disease.  When she first got her diagnosis a few years ago, I read any and everything I could get my hands on about the disease.  The one thing I read that stuck with me was this ... when a loved one gets an Alzheimer's diagnosis, the time that's left becomes what many consider to be a long good-bye.

That ain't nothing but the truth.

It was extremely difficult to watch what Alzheimer's can do to someone I love more than life itself.  Even though I knew the day would eventually come when I would have to say good bye, I could never fully prepare myself for that moment.  How could I?  How could I possibly prepare myself to say goodbye to Mama?

Between all the crying spells, the feelings of numbness and disbelief, the countless visits and phone calls my sister and I received from friends and family, the smiles and laughs I had when strolling down memory lane, and eating all that dang chicken folks brought over to my Mama's house, my mind and my heart raced as I found myself having so many thoughts and feelings.

For starters, I'm angry.  I hate Alzheimer's, and I hate what it did to my Mama.  She was loving, smart, spirited, spunky, independent, and kind.  The disease took all that away from her.  I'm angry because she didn't deserve that.  I'm angry because I feel robbed.  Not only did the disease take her away from me, my sister, and our families, but it did so slowly and painfully.  Why MY Mama?  It's just not fair.

Mama schooling her grandkids on the basketball court.

I am saddened that my daughter won't get to know and have a relationship with Mama.  One thing about my Mama.  She loved and spoiled her grandchildren ... ROTTEN.  My niece, nephew, and son are old enough to have been able to enjoy Mama at her prime and have memories of her that I'm sure they will always cherish.  Mama was already suffering from Alzheimer's when my daughter Sydney was born.  While Mama was able to hold Sydney and love up on her for just a short time, I am sad that Sydney won't have any real memories of spending time with Mama.  And oh how Mama would have spoiled her!  All the dresses, clothes, and toys she would have bought.  She would have made sure to have the pantries and refrigerator stocked with Sydney's favorite snacks and cooked all her favorite meals just like she did for her other grandbabies.  She would have showered Sydney with all the hugs and kisses she could stand.  Sydney will miss out on knowing and loving a great person.

Mama and Sydney (July 2013)

And speaking of Sydney, my Mama is gonna miss out being able to laugh at me for all the hard times that may be coming with such a strong-willed little girl.  Now my story is that I was the perfect angel growing up, but my Mama may have told you differently.  I was stubborn.  I liked what I liked and I wasn't shy about expressing what I didn't like.  Because of that, my Mama and I had some clashes when I was growing up, and some of them were epic.  She always said she couldn't wait to see the day I had a daughter that was just like me.  Heaven help me because that day has come.  Sydney is stubborn.  Sydney quickly lets me know what she likes and doesn't like.  Even at the age of 2, we have already had our clashes.  She may look like my husband, but she is definitely my mini me.  My aunt Janice, my Mama's sister, pulled me aside after Mama passed away to tell me she knows my Mama will enjoy watching the show that will be Sydney and me from Heaven.  I have to chuckle to myself because I know she will.

My Mama was an excellent cook.  The holidays will not be the same without her.  One of my absolute favorite childhood memories is waking up on Thanksgiving mornings and smelling the kitchen coming alive with the feasts she stayed up all night preparing for us.  Mama had the house smelling like love.  After I got married, I wasn't able to go home every Thanksgiving.  So, I did everything in my power to recreate the feasts Mama would make in my own kitchen.  Although they were good, they still didn't hold a candle to Mama's.  At Christmas time, Mama and I would bake cookies for Santa.  Even when I was old enough to know the truth about Santa, we still baked together.  Those were great times.

After Mama passed away, I found myself looking through the thousands of photos my parents took and collected over the years.  Even though I always knew my mother was beautiful, some of the photos my sister and I found of her ... WOWZERS!!!!  Mama was a knockout.  My Daddy used to tell my sister and I of the story of the night he met Mama.  She had a smile he couldn't get enough of, her skin was flawless, and she had a bangin' Coke bottle figure.  (Ok, that part was TMI, but you get the picture.)  Mama had an outward beauty that was only surpassed by her inner beauty.

Mama (early 1960s)

Mama and my sister Lisa (1969)

I wish I could have one last conversation with Mama.  What I wouldn't give to hear her voice and get a hug from her one more time.  I would ask her to give me every single piece of advice she had for me, and I would listen intently to make sure I didn't miss anything.  And ... I have so many questions for her.  How did you stay happily married for over 40 years, raise two daughters, work outside the home, keep the house immaculately clean, cook great meals every night, and stay active at church and in the community and make it look so easy?  Where did you hide your Super Woman cape?!?!?  I know doing all that had to be stressful, so how did you cope?  I need to know because there are days I struggle with everything I have on my plate.  How were you able to so easily love and forgive people ... especially when they are less than lovable and thought nothing of mistreating you?  I will be the first to admit that forgiveness is not a strength of mine, and I have given several mental funerals for folks over the years.  What an example you set, Mama.  I'm 42, and I still want to be like you when I grow up.

My favorite picture of Mama and me

The other day, I was in a store, and I heard a teenager talking very disrespectfully to his mother.  It took everything in me not to haul off and smack the shit out of that kid.  (Please excuse the language, but sometimes you just have to say how you feel.)  I literally felt my body getting so hot that I put the items I intended to buy down and left the store.  I was jealous.  This kid had his mother there with him.  She was alive, well, and breathing.  How dare he talk to her like that?  Doesn't he realize how blessed he is to still have her?  And if I talked to my Mama the way he talked to his?!?!?  Please.  My Mama wasn't having any of that.  Sure, I had my disagreements with Mama when I was growing up, but I knew how far I could push things.  I wasn't crazy (lol).

The awesome foursome that was us is now down to the dynamic duo.  Now Daddy and Mama are both gone.

Daddy, Mama, Lisa, and me (2004)

While losing Daddy a few years ago was really hard on us, losing Mama is just different.  Daddy indeed loved his daughters.  He was our provider and protector.  He was our first love and our first example of what a good man looks like.  But Mama.  There is nothing like the love you get from Mama.  Period.  Losing Mama is a heartbreak like none I've ever felt before.  I know it's only been a few days, but I wonder ... how do you heal from this?

Through all the tears I've shed over these last few days, there are two things I can say I'm happy about.  Mama and Daddy are together again.  Daddy passed away almost 7 years ago, and Mama never recovered from that.  I'm no medical doctor or researcher, but I think her grief over losing Daddy led to her rapid decline with Alzheimer's.  This year, they get to spend their wedding anniversary together.

My parents on their wedding day in September 1964

I'm grateful for a supportive husband, family, and friends ... but thank God for my sister, Lisa.  I can't imagine going through this without her.

Lisa and me ... the dynamic duo (May 2015)

A co-worker shared a poem with me after Mama passed away.  Because I couldn't, my sister read it at Mama's funeral.  It was beautiful and so rightly fit with how I was feeling.

God saw you getting tired

and a cure was not to be.

So He put His arms around you and whispered,

"Come to Me."

With tearful eyes we watched you

and saw you pass away.

Although we love you dearly,

we could not make you stay.

A Golden heart stopped beating.

Hard-working hands at rest.

God broke our hearts to prove to us

He only takes the best.

I miss you, Mama.  Terribly.