Things I Wonder About

No formal introduction on this blog.  Let's just get right to it.

1.  Why do some women shave their eyebrows off only to draw them back on?  That has baffled me since childhood.  I didn't understand it then, and I don't understand it now.  That black eyeliner brow you draw on looks like you used a Sharpie on your face.  Stop it!

2.  How does an athlete / entertainer who makes tens or hundreds of millions of dollars go broke?  How does that happen?  Does putting money aside for yourself and family make too much sense?  There's a story in the news about an NFL player, Ryan Broyles, who decided that he and his family would live off $60,000 a year while saving and investing the rest of his millions for their future.  Why is he the exception and not the rule?  I hate reading or hearing stories about people who had small fortunes only to end up broke.  That's just crazy.

3.  How can you be a part of a group of people who has been discriminated against and then discriminate against others?  Let me make it more plain.  How can some Black folks discriminate against other folks?  Let me break it down even further.  As Black people, we have and continue to be subject to racism and prejudice.  So ... how can some of us then turn around and take issue with gay / lesbian / transgender people in their fight for equal and civil rights?  The comments I read and heard from some Black folks (and people, in general, who identify themselves as "Christians") when the Supreme Court upheld gay marriage rights a few weeks ago astounded me.  In the not-so-distant past, people fought to deny Black people basic civil rights.  Shoot, some states are still trying to pass legislation to suppress the Black vote.  How do you look tripping over someone's right to love and marry whomever they choose?  And because God says it's wrong?  You sound like the plantation owner using the Bible to justify the treatment and enslavement of Black folks.  Have a seat.

4.  Why do people act the fool when folks die?  I'm not talking about grief.  I'm talking about sheer, utter, and complete ugliness.  I'm 42 and in my lifetime, I have seen and heard horror stories about messiness and bitter feuds families have when folks die.  For example, Big Mama ain't even buried yet, but folks are fighting over who gets the house or whatever else she owns.  June Bug's funeral is in a couple hours, and Aunt Polly is trying to start some ish by introducing the family to the cousins they never knew they had (ie. June Bug's kids from his "other family").  While there are some things that can be done to help curb the craziness (ie. have a will, have a burial plan, or get a life insurance policy and keep it updated after any major life changes), some folks will still bring the crazy.  It's unfortunate and so unnecessary, too.  Not only do people have to deal with the grief of losing a loved one, but they also have to deal with other people's messiness at a difficult time.

5.  Why is it that when people are messy and you call them on it, they get defensive?  Seriously.  When you are old enough to know wrong is wrong but you still do wrong, why get an attitude when you get called out ... for being WRONG?!?!  Is your messiness supposed to be acceptable?  Are folks supposed to look over you being trifling because ... well, you ARE trifling, and that's what should be expected of you?  Give me a break!  My granddaddy used to always say that a hit dog will holler.  Go to your corner and whimper by yourself.  No one's gonna feel sorry for you for your own self-imposed foolishness.

6.  Why do people get on Facebook and pretend their lives are perfect?  Some of those same people forget there are folks on Facebook who really know them (lol).  My husband refuses to get on Facebook.  Why, you ask?  His reasoning is that he regularly communicates with everyone he needs to, so there's no need to get on Facebook and be "friends" with folks he hasn't seen or spoken to in 10 or 20 years.  He also feels that most of the stuff people post to Facebook is embellished or posted to see how many "likes" are received.  He might be on to something.  Just recently, there was a post on Facebook where someone asked for prayer over the loss of her beloved sister.  I think it's important to tell you this same "beloved sister" had been ill for over five years, and the person asking for prayer had not made any efforts to see or talk to said sister in three years.  But you're on Facebook looking for sympathy?!?!?  Wow.

7.  Why do people trip when you are planning a wedding?  I went through this years ago when my husband and I were planning our wedding, and I have a dear friend going through this now.  People are quick to tell you what you should do or what they want you to do for YOUR wedding, but they haven't offered a dime to fund their requests.  Here's a newsflash.  Not your wedding.  Not about you.  Let the bride and groom do and plan as they please.

8.  Republicans ... how crazy do y'all look with Donald Trump as the leading candidate for your party's nomination for President of the United States?  No need to elaborate further on that one.

9.  Now ... this one hurts me.  Bill Cosby.  Really, dude?!?!?  I grew up watching "Fat Albert" on Saturday mornings, and I have the DVD collection of the show.  I loved watching "The Cosby Show" when it was on TV and have always watched the show in syndication.  I've shared both "Fat Albert" and "The Cosby Show" with my children.  While I didn't want to believe the allegations against Cosby at first, it's hard to deny them now.  I just don't understand.  Bill Cosby?  Rich.  Famous.  Not a bad-looking dude in his young day.  Why in the hell did he have to drug women for sex, and what kind of sick, depraved person do you have to be to do something like that?  I know I don't know Bill Cosby personally, but I feel betrayed.  Damn, Bill.  I'll never be able to watch these shows in the same way again.  Ever.

10.  Why do couples who have been together for 20 years or more separate?  Is it me, or does this seem to be happening more these days?  Does it take 20+ years to realize that your mate wasn't "the one"?  Was the couple waiting for the children to grow up or move out before they separated?  After years of unhappiness, what was that final straw that broke the camel's back?  Do you stay together that long because it's cheaper to keep her (or him)?  20 years, in my opinion, is way too much time to invest in something to let it fail.  This year will make 17 years married and 23 years total I've been with my husband.  There's only one way either of us is leaving this marriage ... somebody's gotta die.

11.  People really make a living impersonating Elvis?

12.  Black Republicans?!?!?

13.  How is it that people who go the the bathroom and leave without washing their hands are surprised when no one eats the dish they bring to the office potluck?

14.  How can you pass a person (on the sidewalk, at the office, or in a hallway), make eye contact, and not smile or say "hi"?  That irritates me because I think it's so rude.  I'm not asking you to strike up a conversation or tell me your life story ... but a "hello", a smile, or a head nod would be nice.

15.  How can any Black person of voting age not vote?  People have marched, protested, and died for your right to vote.  Even now in 2015, some state governments are trying to suppress your right to vote.  If it wasn't so incredibly important, those before us wouldn't have sacrificed themselves for you and people wouldn't be fighting so hard to keep you from doing it.  So get off your butts, register,  and go to the polls.

The things that run through my mind ...

Losing Mama

My mother passed away a few days ago.  I cry even as I type that.  It still doesn't even seem real yet.

My mother had Alzheimer's disease.  When she first got her diagnosis a few years ago, I read any and everything I could get my hands on about the disease.  The one thing I read that stuck with me was this ... when a loved one gets an Alzheimer's diagnosis, the time that's left becomes what many consider to be a long good-bye.

That ain't nothing but the truth.

It was extremely difficult to watch what Alzheimer's can do to someone I love more than life itself.  Even though I knew the day would eventually come when I would have to say good bye, I could never fully prepare myself for that moment.  How could I?  How could I possibly prepare myself to say goodbye to Mama?

Between all the crying spells, the feelings of numbness and disbelief, the countless visits and phone calls my sister and I received from friends and family, the smiles and laughs I had when strolling down memory lane, and eating all that dang chicken folks brought over to my Mama's house, my mind and my heart raced as I found myself having so many thoughts and feelings.

For starters, I'm angry.  I hate Alzheimer's, and I hate what it did to my Mama.  She was loving, smart, spirited, spunky, independent, and kind.  The disease took all that away from her.  I'm angry because she didn't deserve that.  I'm angry because I feel robbed.  Not only did the disease take her away from me, my sister, and our families, but it did so slowly and painfully.  Why MY Mama?  It's just not fair.

Mama schooling her grandkids on the basketball court.

I am saddened that my daughter won't get to know and have a relationship with Mama.  One thing about my Mama.  She loved and spoiled her grandchildren ... ROTTEN.  My niece, nephew, and son are old enough to have been able to enjoy Mama at her prime and have memories of her that I'm sure they will always cherish.  Mama was already suffering from Alzheimer's when my daughter Sydney was born.  While Mama was able to hold Sydney and love up on her for just a short time, I am sad that Sydney won't have any real memories of spending time with Mama.  And oh how Mama would have spoiled her!  All the dresses, clothes, and toys she would have bought.  She would have made sure to have the pantries and refrigerator stocked with Sydney's favorite snacks and cooked all her favorite meals just like she did for her other grandbabies.  She would have showered Sydney with all the hugs and kisses she could stand.  Sydney will miss out on knowing and loving a great person.

Mama and Sydney (July 2013)

And speaking of Sydney, my Mama is gonna miss out being able to laugh at me for all the hard times that may be coming with such a strong-willed little girl.  Now my story is that I was the perfect angel growing up, but my Mama may have told you differently.  I was stubborn.  I liked what I liked and I wasn't shy about expressing what I didn't like.  Because of that, my Mama and I had some clashes when I was growing up, and some of them were epic.  She always said she couldn't wait to see the day I had a daughter that was just like me.  Heaven help me because that day has come.  Sydney is stubborn.  Sydney quickly lets me know what she likes and doesn't like.  Even at the age of 2, we have already had our clashes.  She may look like my husband, but she is definitely my mini me.  My aunt Janice, my Mama's sister, pulled me aside after Mama passed away to tell me she knows my Mama will enjoy watching the show that will be Sydney and me from Heaven.  I have to chuckle to myself because I know she will.

My Mama was an excellent cook.  The holidays will not be the same without her.  One of my absolute favorite childhood memories is waking up on Thanksgiving mornings and smelling the kitchen coming alive with the feasts she stayed up all night preparing for us.  Mama had the house smelling like love.  After I got married, I wasn't able to go home every Thanksgiving.  So, I did everything in my power to recreate the feasts Mama would make in my own kitchen.  Although they were good, they still didn't hold a candle to Mama's.  At Christmas time, Mama and I would bake cookies for Santa.  Even when I was old enough to know the truth about Santa, we still baked together.  Those were great times.

After Mama passed away, I found myself looking through the thousands of photos my parents took and collected over the years.  Even though I always knew my mother was beautiful, some of the photos my sister and I found of her ... WOWZERS!!!!  Mama was a knockout.  My Daddy used to tell my sister and I of the story of the night he met Mama.  She had a smile he couldn't get enough of, her skin was flawless, and she had a bangin' Coke bottle figure.  (Ok, that part was TMI, but you get the picture.)  Mama had an outward beauty that was only surpassed by her inner beauty.

Mama (early 1960s)

Mama and my sister Lisa (1969)

I wish I could have one last conversation with Mama.  What I wouldn't give to hear her voice and get a hug from her one more time.  I would ask her to give me every single piece of advice she had for me, and I would listen intently to make sure I didn't miss anything.  And ... I have so many questions for her.  How did you stay happily married for over 40 years, raise two daughters, work outside the home, keep the house immaculately clean, cook great meals every night, and stay active at church and in the community and make it look so easy?  Where did you hide your Super Woman cape?!?!?  I know doing all that had to be stressful, so how did you cope?  I need to know because there are days I struggle with everything I have on my plate.  How were you able to so easily love and forgive people ... especially when they are less than lovable and thought nothing of mistreating you?  I will be the first to admit that forgiveness is not a strength of mine, and I have given several mental funerals for folks over the years.  What an example you set, Mama.  I'm 42, and I still want to be like you when I grow up.

My favorite picture of Mama and me

The other day, I was in a store, and I heard a teenager talking very disrespectfully to his mother.  It took everything in me not to haul off and smack the shit out of that kid.  (Please excuse the language, but sometimes you just have to say how you feel.)  I literally felt my body getting so hot that I put the items I intended to buy down and left the store.  I was jealous.  This kid had his mother there with him.  She was alive, well, and breathing.  How dare he talk to her like that?  Doesn't he realize how blessed he is to still have her?  And if I talked to my Mama the way he talked to his?!?!?  Please.  My Mama wasn't having any of that.  Sure, I had my disagreements with Mama when I was growing up, but I knew how far I could push things.  I wasn't crazy (lol).

The awesome foursome that was us is now down to the dynamic duo.  Now Daddy and Mama are both gone.

Daddy, Mama, Lisa, and me (2004)

While losing Daddy a few years ago was really hard on us, losing Mama is just different.  Daddy indeed loved his daughters.  He was our provider and protector.  He was our first love and our first example of what a good man looks like.  But Mama.  There is nothing like the love you get from Mama.  Period.  Losing Mama is a heartbreak like none I've ever felt before.  I know it's only been a few days, but I wonder ... how do you heal from this?

Through all the tears I've shed over these last few days, there are two things I can say I'm happy about.  Mama and Daddy are together again.  Daddy passed away almost 7 years ago, and Mama never recovered from that.  I'm no medical doctor or researcher, but I think her grief over losing Daddy led to her rapid decline with Alzheimer's.  This year, they get to spend their wedding anniversary together.

My parents on their wedding day in September 1964

I'm grateful for a supportive husband, family, and friends ... but thank God for my sister, Lisa.  I can't imagine going through this without her.

Lisa and me ... the dynamic duo (May 2015)

A co-worker shared a poem with me after Mama passed away.  Because I couldn't, my sister read it at Mama's funeral.  It was beautiful and so rightly fit with how I was feeling.

God saw you getting tired

and a cure was not to be.

So He put His arms around you and whispered,

"Come to Me."

With tearful eyes we watched you

and saw you pass away.

Although we love you dearly,

we could not make you stay.

A Golden heart stopped beating.

Hard-working hands at rest.

God broke our hearts to prove to us

He only takes the best.

I miss you, Mama.  Terribly.