Prayers for Charleston

My heart is heavy today, and I just can’t seem to shake the sadness.

I went to bed last night to the news that someone opened fire at the historic Emanuel A.M.E. Church in Charleston, SC during Wednesday night Bible study.  Even though I heard and saw the breaking news story before I lay down, something would not let me believe that this had really happened.

I woke up a few hours later, turned on the television, and what I was hoping was a very bad dream turned out to be a reality.  Nine people killed as they attended Bible study.  Others were injured.  I heard a report that a 5 year old child played dead, and that’s what spared the child’s life.

When I realized this shooting in Charleston was indeed real, I thought of the church bombing of the 16^th Street Baptist Church in Birmingham of 1963.  Another act of hate carried out on sacred ground.  Innocent Black lives lost. 

But … my mind kept racing and wandering.

Unarmed Black men in this country are killed at an alarming rate, and rarely do their killers face any consequences … even when they go to trial.

Police brutalize our children in the streets … and at pool parties, too.

Many Southern states are trying to pass laws to restrict our voting rights.

There have even been recent stories of lynchings in South.  Remember hearing about Lennon Lacy?

People have taken to the streets in protest or have staged sit-ins to demand equal rights and opportunities and to take a stand against injustice.

And now this … innocent people are attacked and killed at a house of worship ... a place of refuge.

Remind me again what year this is?  The more things change, the more they stay the same.

These same headlines from 2015 could just have easily been ones my parents read about and saw on the news and lived through in the 1960s.  People fought, marched, and died so this generation – OUR generation – could have unmatched and unlimited freedoms.  So my rhetorical question of the day is this … why are the same things that happened decades ago during the Civil Rights Era recurring now with such frequency? 

It’s sad.  It’s disheartening.  It’s a shame.

Have we really overcome?

My heart breaks for these families, for this church family, for this community, and for our country.

God be with us all.

Pardon Our Sensitivity ...

Sometimes the best way to approach a subject is just to go ahead and put it all out there.  So, here goes …

It is 2015.  Why is the presence of the Confederate flag in the South STILL a big issue? 

If you know me personally or if you have been following my blog, you know I was born and raised in South Carolina.  Even today, South Carolina still flies the Confederate flag over its state capital.  And year after year it has been made abundantly clear to South Carolinians and to everyone else in the world that the flag ain’t going anywhere, either.

There was a story circulating in my local area a few weeks ago about some high school students who took a picture at a historical site in Gettysburg and posted the picture on Instagram with the caption, “The South will rise again.”  Later on in the comments, someone posted the remark that they had already purchased their first slave.  That comment was supposed to have been a joke according to the person who posted it.  Well … not funny. 

In another recent local news story, a student at Duke University hung a noose on a tree, forgot about it, and left it there for the entire campus to see.  That student later issued an apology that went something sort of like this.  My bad.  I didn’t realize hanging a noose on a tree in the South was a big deal.  (Yes, this is my loose translation of that “apology”.)

I was reading the comments on the pages of my local news stations and on social media, and I found the overwhelming sentiments on that flag incident I mentioned are that “we” (READ – Black people) just need to get over it.  The Confederate flag is a part of Southern history, and “we” need to accept its historical significance, stop being so sensitive, and basically shut the hell up.

Well, I can agree with one thing.  The Confederate flag is indeed a part of Southern history.  What I don’t agree with is that “we” need to accept the flag and all it symbolizes as being okay to wave, wear, or revere.  And here’s what baffles me the most.   Why is it so difficult for some people to comprehend why the Confederate flag strikes such a nerve with Black people? 

Supporters of this flag are quick to say that Black folks need a history lesson on the significance of the flag.  The flag symbolizes history and not hatred.  And here’s my favorite … “we” are racists if we get offended by the flag.  What kind of stuck-on-stupid reverse psychology is that supposed to be? 

When I think of the Confederate flag, I think of how it was present at every lynching of Black people by angry mobs.  When I think of the Confederate flag, I think of how it was waved after homes and churches of Black people were bombed and burned to the ground.  When I think of the Confederate flag, I see it being carried by hooded members of the KKK as they spread their doctrine of White supremacy and as they tried to strike fear the lives of Black people by leaving burning crosses for all to see.  When I think of the Confederate flag, I see it flying highly and freely by crowds of people attempting to block the doors of schools as National Guard troops escorted children to school during the times of integration.   

Clearly, the Confederate flag has a drastically different meaning for some of us.  So … dear kind sir or ma’am, please excuse us Black folks for being overly sensitive.  What are “we” thinking?!?!?  

Will There Be Justice For Walter Scott?

Well, it has happened again.  Another unarmed Black man is shot dead at the hands of a White police officer.  I am so tired of seeing these stories in the news over and over again.  The characters are always the same.  There’s the officer who supposedly feared for his life and had no other alternative but to fire his weapon … repeatedly … until the threat was removed.  Then, there’s the unarmed man (someone’s son, father, husband, uncle, friend, or neighbor) left dead and yet somehow made responsible for his own demise.  And let’s not forget the mother, father, or parental figure whose heart-breaking words and tears kick you right in the gut every time you see them.  I always cry right along with them.

When things like this happen, I find myself reviewing news sites and reading articles or blog posts on social media.  Every time, I get sucked in to reading the comments section.  And every single time, I find myself angered by some of the comments made about the victim.  He’s always a thug or a criminal.  He was guilty of something and had it coming to him.  He would be alive if he would have just listened to and obeyed the officer.  Rarely is the victim given the benefit of the doubt.  Rarely is any kind of sympathy extended to the victim or the family that’s left behind.  Rarely do you hear of the good the victim has done … only the bad things he’s ACCUSED of doing.

This latest shooting took place in my home state of South Carolina.  The officer, Michael Slager, shot Walter Scott in the back eight times.  Let me repeat that … EIGHT TIMES.  Scott was running away from Slager when the officer drew his weapon and fired eight shots.  Scott’s back was to the officer.  He was running AWAY from the officer.  Yeah, that’s threatening.

The entire incident started because the officer pulled Mr. Scott over for a broken tail light.  When he ran Scott’s information, the officer discovered Scott had a warrant for unpaid child support.  What happened after that is unclear, but somehow these two ended up outside of their vehicles.  Slager was left standing, and an unarmed Scott was shot dead.

The only fortunate thing about this incident is that there was a bystander who had the presence of mind to videotape this encounter between Slager and Scott.  The officer alleged Walter Scott was the aggressor and tried to take his taser.  What the video shows is Slager and Scott standing facing each other, Scott turning to run away, and the officer reaching for his gun and then standing flat-footed like he’s at target practice on the firing range as he shot Walter Scott eight times in the back.  This video makes it extremely difficult for police or federal investigators to clear Slager of any wrongdoing … but I guess time will tell.  In the meantime, Slager is in jail on murder charges and denied bond.  In jail … exactly where he should be.

I guess it’s obvious that I’m stuck on Mr. Scott being shot in the back eight times.  There was absolutely no reason and no excuse to justify Slager shooting Walter Scott in the back eight times.  EIGHT DAMN TIMES!!!

I was reading some of the comments on a couple of news sites since this story broke yesterday.  Over and over again, I saw people asking the same questions and making the same remarks concerning Mr. Scott and his role in his own death.

·         Why was he running away from the officer?  Innocent people don’t run from the police.  (Maybe innocent people don’t run the police, but scared people do.)

·         Sorry he died, but if he had done what the officer told him to do, he would still be alive.  (Correction … if the officer had done what HE was supposed to do, Walter Scott would still be alive.)

·         Why is this about race?  Guy does something wrong, he tried to take the officer’s taser, so he gets shot.  Sounds legit to me.  Case closed.  (When did driving around with a busted tail light justify murder?  And check the video.  Scott didn’t have the taser before Slager left it laying next to Scott after shooting him.)

·         He was a thug.  (Read … n-word.  Thug is just a code word.)

·         Was the car that he [Scott] was driving stolen?  (Ahhh … no!  If it had been, don’t you think the story would have a new spin … car thief shot dead by officer?)

·         He should have paid the child support and not run.  (Sure, Scott should have paid his child support.  But when did being delinquent in making payments become just cause for murder?)

·         There’s more to the story than we know.  Surely, the guy did SOMETHING wrong.  (Let’s see.  What did he do to provoke the officer to shoot him?  Was it the busted tail light or was it when he attempted to run away from the officer?)

·         He was probably a drug dealer.  (Sure.  Of course, he was.  All Black men are.  Right?)

When it comes to White officers killing Black men, why are some people so quick to blame the VICTIM for his own death?  Why do they automatically assume the VICTIM did something wrong?  Is it that difficult to believe that these cops overreacted because the VICTIM is a Black male … a boogey man … the aggressor … a thug?

Instead of questioning the victim, why don’t we question the motives of the officer?  I’ve got a few questions I would like to ask Michael Slager.

·         Why did you lie?  You alleged Walter Scott tried to take your taser, but the video clearly shows you dropping it beside his lifeless body after your fatal encounter.  So … you’re okay with planting evidence to bolster your fabricated version of the events that took place?

·         You showed no remorse after shooting a man eight times as he ran away from you.  To make yourself look even worse, you took the time to handcuff a dying man as he lay face down in the grass.  Are you even sorry this happened or am I safe to assume you are sorry someone videoed the whole thing and you got caught?

·         How does a routine traffic stop for a busted taillight escalate to you shooting an unarmed man in the back eight times?

·         Walter Scott was a 50 year-old man.  From the video footage, it is clear he was not a well-conditioned track star.  If you were going to make an arrest for an outstanding warrant, you couldn’t give chase after he turned to run from you?  You couldn’t call for backup before shooting and killing him?  You had his information with a physical address after the traffic stop.  You couldn’t go to Scott’s home to make an arrest later if he did manage to run away for you?

·         You shot an unarmed man eight times in the back as he ran AWAY from you.  Why?  Did you feel you would be able to get away with it like so many other police officers in the very recent news, or are you that much of a punk that you have to have a loaded gun in your hands to feel powerful and in control?

I’ve got an all-inclusive answer to my questions for Slager.  Why did he lie, show no remorse, and shoot and kill an unarmed man who was of no threat to him?  That’s an easy one.  He’s a lying, punk a** coward who had no business wearing a badge.

After the release of the video, the police department in North Charleston had little choice but to arrest and charge Slager for Walter Scott’s murder.  There is no dispute to what was seen on the video.  There’s been video evidence of police murder before (as recent as the Eric Garner case), but THIS time, I am hopeful the video evidence will lead to the conviction and swift punishment of Michael Slager.

My heartfelt sympathies are extended to Walter Scott’s family.  I pray for their comfort and healing during this difficult time.  I pray their loved one is given the justice he so rightly deserves.

Participation Trophies Annoy Me

A few years ago, my son played soccer in a recreation league.  He had never played soccer before and wanted to give it a try, so my husband and I let him. I’m just gonna be blunt here … my son’s soccer team was horrible.  Terrible.  Pitiful.  There was a point when the games were just plain painful to watch.  They went the entire season without winning a game.  Seriously.  They didn’t win one single game.  Not one.

Once the season was over, the coach had a small social gathering for the team members and their parents.  At this gathering, each player was given a trophy.  The coach’s reason for the recognition?  The players were given trophies for showing up and participating in every game.

This soccer trophy was my son’s first trophy ever, so he was very excited to get it.  I, on the other hand, was puzzled and slightly annoyed.  See, I’m old school.  My feeling is that when you commit to do something (In my son’s case, the commitment was playing on a soccer team.), showing up and participating in every game is what’s expected.  Why, then, would you get a trophy for doing something you’re supposed to do anyway?

At the risk of sounding like an old timer, back in my day, trophies were reserved for those folks who competed, who accomplished a major goal, or who WON something.  You worked diligently to reach a goal, and the fruit of your labor was a nice, shiny trophy.  The trophy meant something … that you worked hard and were rewarded for your achievement.  It was symbolic of your time and effort.  You were not given anything.  You earned that trophy. 

Not long after the soccer trophy, a parent at my son’s school complained about a quarterly program the school has to recognize the students who make the honor roll.  The parent complained the program made the students who didn’t make the honor roll feel bad, and the recognition should stop to spare hurt feelings.  I’m happy to report the recognition program still takes place, and the school didn’t give in to the parent’s request.

So … have we become a society that rewards kids for the smallest of things?  Are we sending the wrong message to our kids by recognizing and rewarding them for doing what’s expected of them?  And if that’s the norm, what do we do for the kids who go above and beyond?  And further, are some parents hurting their kids more than helping them by coddling them into mediocrity?  Borrowing and paraphrasing a line from the character Harrison of “Scandal”, are we raising gladiators or wimps?  (Yeah, I’m keeping it G-rated.)

Let me go back to the example of the parent who complained about the quarterly honor roll recognition.  I can’t believe the parent actually had the nerve to suggest to the school’s administrators to discontinue the recognition program because their child – ONE child in school of a few hundred children – didn’t make the honor roll.  Instead of complaining and trying to “fix” something for your child at the expense of others, how about encouraging your child to do better or work harder?  And if you see that your child is putting forth the effort but still not getting it, then how about paying attention to see what kind of help your child needs and getting him or her some help?  It never would have crossed my mind to ask the school to stop recognizing other kids to spare my child’s feelings.

Again, I am very much from the old school.  I expect my children to do well in school.  Period.  If they work and study hard and put forth some effort, their reward will be making good grades.  My daughter is still in daycare, but my son is in the fifth grade, so he knows the deal.  While I encourage him to do his best in school and in all things, and he knows I am very proud of his efforts, there’s no big production or song and dance for doing what I expect him to do.  Study hard?  Make good grades.  He gets a pat on the back, and we keep it moving.  Simple … and it works.

However, if I see my kids struggling or needing help with something, I will do what I can within reason to help them.  I won’t baby or coddle them.  I won’t let them sit back as I do their work for them.  I want my kids to be able to do things for themselves without having to rely on anyone else or without expecting things to be handed to them without them putting in some work.  And if they fail to do something, I want them to be strong enough to pull themselves up, dust off their boots, and get back to work until they do whatever it is they set out to accomplish.

Since the soccer trophy, there have been other “show up and play” trophies and medals my son has received for his participation in other sports, and I still get annoyed every time he gets one.  What I absolutely do not want to happen is that he and my daughter begin to expect praise and recognition for doing regular stuff.  I don’t want them to grow up, go out in the real world, and get slapped with the reality that regular is not even close to being good enough … and then left wondering how to cope when they don’t get a “show up and go to work” trophy. 

I refuse to raise spoiled, entitled children who expect much for doing little.  The Bigelow kids will not be show up and play kids.  No wimps allowed.  My prayer is that my husband and I will prepare them well for life.  In the words of the great Frederick Douglass, “It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” 

Things I Miss Since I Became A Mother

If you have been following my blog, you know I have two children.  My son just turned 11 recently, and my daughter will be turning 2 in a couple months.  They are my world, and I love them both with all my heart.  They bring me much joy and happiness.  They make me smile and laugh.  They make me very proud.  God really hooked me up when He chose me to be the mother of these two.  Sometimes I stare at them in amazement.  I can’t believe I birthed these two blessings!

 

As much as I love my kids and as much as I love being their mother, every now and then I find myself missing and reminiscing about things I used to take for granted back in the day.  Simple things, really.  Here are a few things I miss from back in my BC (“before children”) era:

1.      I miss going to the bathroom all by myself.  I miss going in the bathroom for a few brief moments of downtime.  I can’t remember the last time I was able to take a long, hot bath.  It’s all showers now.  There was a time when going in the bathroom and shutting the door behind me would secure a few moments of “me” time.  Yeah … can’t do that now.  Either my son knocks and tries talking to me through the door or my daughter just bursts in bathroom, pulls up her step stool, and sits down to “chat” with me.  It’s cute and all, but can’t I at least pee without being interrupted? 

2.      I miss being able to sit down with a meal or a snack without being stared down with big puppy dog eyes that’s soon followed by, “Can I have a bite?”  I’m sorry.  Didn’t you just eat an entire plate / bowl of something already?  My daughter is at the age where she eats pretty much everything, and she most certainly does just that … eats everything.  And somehow, “everything” looks a lot more appetizing on MY plate.  She doesn’t hit up my husband or son nearly as much as she does me.  My son can still be a picky eater, and sometimes that works to my advantage.  I know he doesn’t like salad, so what do I prepare myself for dinner sometimes so I can eat in peace?  You guessed it … a big ol’ salad.  

3.      I miss being able to sit on the couch or climb in the bed to read a book or watch TV in silence.  When I was growing up, I always thought of things I wanted to talk to my parents about when the news or their favorite shows were on.  Well, I guess I’m reaping what I sowed because my kids do the same dang thing!  It’s all quiet and hush-hush when an episode of “Doc McStuffins” is on.  You can hear a pin drop when my son is watching his favorite shows or a baseball game.  Let me sit down and attempt to get comfortable and settle in to watch something I like in peace and quiet.  It.  Ain’t.  Happening.

4.      I miss always having a clean house.  Don’t ask me why I remember this, but when my husband and I first married and moved into our home, I remember the cable guy coming by, looking around and saying, “Y’all don’t have any kids, do you?”  I thought that was a strange question at the time, but I so get it now.  These days, my kids have the house looking like a sporting goods store, Game Stop, and Babies R Us collided dead smack in the middle of my living room.  Stuff is everywhere.  Stepping on a Lego or a refrigerator magnet is a pain like none other but is a near daily occurrence.  And really … why do I continue cleaning up when minutes later the house is all cluttered again? 

5.      I miss taking my time to get dressed in the mornings.  I remember getting up in the mornings and having time to apply makeup, style my hair, prepare and eat a leisurely breakfast before leaving the house.  Now, I’m not just getting myself ready in the mornings.  I dress my daughter, and doing her hair is a daily struggle because she hates sitting still.  Even though my son has been dressing himself for years now, he has to pass my inspection before leaving the house.  He can’t leave home looking any kind of way.  He has to pass the clothes straight / hair combed / skin lotioned / eye butter removed / Chapstick on lips inspection.   

6.      I miss being able to bump Biggie in the car.  I was born in the 70s, grew up in the 80s, and came of age in the 90s.  The Notorious B.I.G. is a big part of my life’s soundtrack.  But now, only G-rated music in the car when the kids are with me … which is most of the time.  The last thing I want is to be out somewhere and hear my kids rapping, “Who the f*%k is this?  Pagin’ me at 5:46 in the mornin’ …”  I save Biggie for my workouts now. 

 

Yep, life has definitely changed since my BC era.  And while I do miss certain things from time to time, I can’t imagine life without my son and daughter.  They make it all worth it. 

 

Ledisi Was Robbed

Please excuse me as I vent my frustrations over something.

Disclaimer #1 – I am NOT a Beyonce fan, but I’m not a hater, either.  I will admit that Beyonce is both beautiful and talented.  I attended one of her concerts way back in the day when she first started her solo career, and I have some of her songs on my iPod.  I like her.  She a’ight. I’m just not a fan or a card-carrying member of the BeyHive.

Disclaimer #2 – I absolutely LOVE Ledisi.  I’ve seen Ledisi in concert twice, and if she is ever in or around where I am, I will go see her again and again.  I have all her CDs, and one of her songs (“Alright”) is my ringtone and stays in heavy rotation on those days when I need an extra spirit-lifter.  Just so you can conceptualize how much I love Ledisi’s song “Alright”, my 20 month-old daughter knows the words and can sing along when I play the song.  Ledisi’s voice is amazing, and it doesn’t hurt that she’s a gorgeous, dark chocolate sistah with locs … much like myself.  J  I am a Ledisi fan.  A big one. 

So … Sunday night’s Grammys.  Yeah …

Before the show even aired, I read articles and social media accounts that Beyonce was slated to perform “Precious Lord, Take My Hand” at the Grammys … instead of MY girl, Ledisi.  Wait.  What?!?!?  So … Ledisi is in the “Selma” movie and on the movie soundtrack, but someone else gets to sing the song?  What’s that all about?

Then it was later revealed that Beyonce requested to sing the song as an opening for “Glory” by John Legend and Common.  So … she requested to sing a song from a movie that Ledisi was in, a song that Ledisi sang in the movie, and a song that Ledisi straight kilt (Yes, I used ‘kilt’ instead of killed.) on the soundtrack?  And nobody saw a problem with that and gave Queen Bey her way?  Really?!?!?  Okay.

I have several issues with the Grammy snub.  Yes, admittedly.  I am biased because I am a Ledisi fan, but let’s just be real.  How was the blatant disrespect shown to Ledisi okay?  Why hasn’t anyone been publicly called out on it?  How can anybody justify why it went down in the first place and why it was deemed acceptable?

Even though “Precious Lord” is not Ledisi’s song, she performed the song in the movie and on the soundtrack.  The piece from the Grammys featured songs from the “Selma” movie.  Why would you even consider letting someone else do the song when the person who performed it for the movie was sitting right in the audience?  She was right there, y’all!!

There were further accounts someone stated that when Beyonce asks to perform with you, you just can’t say “no”.  So, you can say yes to Beyonce at another person’s expense and be okay with that?  Okay.

But here’s the thing that really burns me up about the entire situation.  Beyonce is an international superstar.  Everyone knows who she is.  She’s won Grammy after Grammy.  She doesn’t have anything else to prove to anybody.  She could retire right now, and her place in music history would still be solidified.  So why would she feel it necessary to steal the spotlight from a lesser known artist?  I mean … would it have killed Beyonce to let someone else who has never graced the Grammy stage a chance to perform?

And how are you a “feminist” and claim to be all about girl power (Who runs the world?) when you undercut another sistah’s time to shine?

I’m so done. 

Ledisi has shown nothing but grace and poise through all of this foolishness.  While my hat is off to her for keeping it classy, I almost wish she had been more vocal about being denied a chance to perform at the Grammys.  I am interested to see if anyone (Beyonce, John Legend, or the powers that be for the Grammys) steps up and apologizes to Ledisi for the snub.  Interested, but not hopeful.  Damn shame.

de Blasio Only Spoke The Truth

In recent months, America has had to see, deal with, and have many discussions about some very uncomfortable truths.  In 2014, we have witnessed way too many killings of unarmed Black men at the hands of police officers, and we’ve watched those same police officers not face indictments for these killings.  Black parents, over and over again, are having the same conversations with their sons
to prepare them for any possible encounters they may have with the police.

What has baffled me in the last couple weeks is the reaction the NYPD and its union has had toward NYC mayor Bill de Blasio.  For those of you who may not know, de Blasio is married to a Black woman, and they have a son.  What did he say that made the NYPD so angry that they literally turn their backs to him?  Well, here it is :

"This is profoundly personal for me. I was at the White House the other day, and the President of the United States turned to me, and he met Dante a few months ago, and he said that Dante reminded him of what he looked like as a teenager. And he said, I know you see this crisis through a very personal lens. I said to him I did.  Because Chirlane and I have had to talk to Dante for years, about the dangers he may face. A good young man, a law-abiding young man, who would never think to do anything wrong, and yet, because of a history that still hangs over us, the dangers he may face — we’ve had to literally train him, as families have all over this city for decades, in how to take special care in any encounter he has with the police officers who are there to protect him.”

 

de Blasio was also quoted to say, “I’ve had to worry over the years, Chirlane has had to worry: Is Dante safe each night?  And not just from some of the painful realities of crime and violence in some of our neighborhoods but safe from the very people they want to have faith in as their protectors.”

 

I mean … can we use some common sense here?  We all know that not all police officers are bad.  There are countless numbers of men and women officers who put their lives on the line every single day to protect and serve the communities they are charged to police.  But then there are those officers like Darren Wilson and Daniel Pantaleo with questionable policing / use of force histories that are still on the job.  Those are the “police” we are concerned about, and those are the officers de Blasio and his wife have had to educate their son about.

 

Perhaps you have heard the statistic that a Black person is killed every 28 hours at the hands of the police.  I don’t know how true this is.  In fact, I’ve read a few reports / articles / studies stating this statistic is not an accurate one.  Accurate or not, we all know that racial profiling is real and poses a real danger to the lives of our young Black men.  Instead of being upset at de Blasio for speaking the truth and giving a voice to the fear parents of Black sons have regarding encounters they may have with the police, stop turning your backs on the truth and start cleaning up your departments to make sure the Darren Wilsons and Daniel Pantaleos of the world don’t get to use their badge as a license to kill.