Happy Halloween from the Bigelow Tribe

I have always wanted to do family Halloween costumes.  No one was interested in family costumes until this year.  We went to Wakanda for Halloween.  I'm tickled to death to share our family Halloween pictures with you all.

Special shout out, thanks, love, and appreciation to Tanisha Walker of In God's Image Makeup Artistry and Photography (Raleigh, NC).  I gave her some ideas and shared with her my vision for our photo shoot, and she absolutely blew our minds with the finished pictures.  I've said this a million times about Tanisha, and I will keep saying it.  She is the absolute best!!!!

 WAKANDA FOREVER!!!!!

I Don't Care About Your Fragility

One thing that I am keenly aware of … I am Black.  I am reminded of it daily in my interactions with people in the workplace.  I am reminded of it constantly when I watch the news and see the differences in how police treat and / or kill unarmed Black people versus how they are able to de-escalate situations with white people who commit some of the most heinous crimes but still live to tell their stories. 

I am Black.  That’s who I am, and it’s who I will always be.

Because of all the craziness going on in this country and in the world, I post a lot about the things that happen to Black folks on my social media pages.  I have lost “friends” over it, too.  No biggie, though.  Most of those folks are people I only connected with on social media after not having any contact with them for 20 years or more or since my childhood.  So when they unfriend me for being “too Black” and I lived just fine prior to connecting with them, I have to chuckle over them thinking my feelings are hurt over a lost virtual friendship.  But I digress …

One thing that frustrates me to no end is that some folks are so quick to discount and discredit the Black experience and what it is and means to be Black in America.  It’s maddening! 

“I don’t see color.”  That’s a bold-faced lie. 

“Why do you always play the race card?”  Perhaps the card is played all the time because it’s the one card that’s always being dealt to us. 

“Why can’t y’all just get over it?  Why do you always have to bring things up that are in the past?”  Last I checked, racism, racial profiling, police brutality on black and brown bodies, and hate crimes are still very much present-day occurrences.  But this sentiment of let the past stay in the past is especially ironic coming from folks who still love and fly their confederate flags and don’t understand why there is a need to dismantle confederate monuments. 

In a blog I wrote a few months ago (http://40somethingsistah.blogspot.com/2018/01/five-things-we-need-to-stop-doing-in.html), I wrote that Black folks “need to stop talking about racism, trying to explain our struggles about living as Black folks in America, and trying to explain why Black lives matter to folks who either can't understand or are so comfortable in their privilege that they ain't trying to understand.  For real.  If this country's history of slavery, Jim Crow, police brutality on black and brown bodies, mass incarceration, and an unfair criminal justice system ain't enough to make people understand how there's been a generational effect on Black folks, nothing you can say will change their minds, either.  Don't waste your time, breath, or energy.  Don't even engage.”

I am so sick of folks getting all in their feelings when black and brown folks call them on their bullshit.  I DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOUR FRAGILITY OR FEELINGS, and I shouldn’t have to.  I don’t have time to care about your feelings and the fact that you can’t stand to be called out on your privilege because I’m too busy thinking of and dealing with the following things every single day.

I want police to stop killing unarmed Black folks.  Clearly, they can and are capable of being able to de-escalate a situation and bring a person in alive, as it’s done all the time with white criminals who have killed folks in churches, movie theaters, concerts, schools, and or killed other police officers.  Why do cops only fear for their lives when Black folks are involved? 

I am tired of having to have conversations with my son on how to act and handle himself WHEN he has an encounter with the police.  Not if he has an encounter, but WHEN.  We have to have multiple conversations about what to do and how to act because the rules are always changing.

I am tired of having to meet, screen, and get to know the parents of my son’s non-Black friends before I feel comfortable leaving him in their care.  As a parent, I worry about my Black son’s safety when he is not with me, and I am not about to leave him in the care of folks who would not look out for his safety or best interests.  I make no apologies for that.

I am tired of apologies for racism and racial profiling that come AFTER an incident has been blown up on social media.  When the apology comes after the fact, you know it's not genuine. It’s an apology to save face and protect a company’s bottom line profit.  The list of places I will no longer give my money to grows daily over this foolishness. 

I am tired of people trying to disguise their racism as patriotism.  Neo-Nazis can carry tiki torches under the cover of darkness and it’s free speech.  Let an NFL player kneel during the national anthem, and he’s disrespecting the flag, this country, the military, your mama, and all that’s white in the world.

I just want Black folks to live in peace without fear of someone calling the police on them or fear of dying for doing the most mundane things.  Can we wait for a friend at a Starbucks?  Can we play golf?  Can we ask for directions?  Can we breathe?  Can we legally carry a gun?  Can we carry a toy gun around Wal-Mart that we intend to purchase while we continue to shop?  Can we play in the park?  Can we listen to loud music in the car?  Can we leave a house party with our friends and go home?  Can we walk in our own backyards?  Can we walk home?  Can we walk to the neighborhood swimming pool?  Can we drive?  Can we go to church?  Can we eat at Waffle House?  Can we open a package that’s been delivered to our doorsteps?  Can we study or fall asleep in our dormitories?  Can we have a cookout in the park?  Can we check out of an Airbnb?  Can we shop at Nordstrom?  Can an 8 year-old girl sell cold bottled water on a hot summer day?

Can we just live in peace?

My Mother's Day Wish List

Mother's Day is right around the corner.  Let’s face it.  Mother's Day is big business for some retailers.  Flowers, cards, jewelry, etc.  Those are all nice gifts, but the list of things I want for Mother's Day is quite simple and very inexpensive.

I want to be able to sleep late.  It seems like every morning, I’m up by 4 or 5am … even on my days off.  I just want to be able to sleep late and wake up only when my eyes pop open or I have to get up and go pee.  Whichever happens first.

I want to have those “Bewitched” magical powers for a day.  You know what I’m talking about.  I want to be able to wiggle my nose, nod my head, and blink, and my entire house will be automatically clean.  I’d love for all my family’s laundry to be done, folded, and put away with the snap of my fingers.  Scratch that.  Shoot, I want those powers every day.

A nap.  A nice, long, uninterrupted nap sounds like heaven.

I want my soon-to-be five-year old daughter to come to the realization that she can also ask her Daddy and big brother for a drink or snack.  I swear she acts like I am the only one who can do things for her.  Do snacks taste better when I make them or something?  I wonder.

I want some uninterrupted quiet time.  I would love to be able to go to the bathroom and not have an audience.  I would love to be able to watch TV or read a book in peace.  It’s interesting how at the exact time when I’m comfortable and ready to relax is also the same exact time that my children want and demand my undivided attention.

I don’t anyone asking me, “What for dinner?”  Because the answer will be, “whatever you cook or order for carryout.”  I'm not cooking a ding-dang thing on Mothers' Day.

Another nap.  I swear.  I could never get enough of those.

I’d be willing to bet a lot of moms would love to be gifted with the items on this list, too.  (lol)

Happy Mother's Day!

Mother's Day 2014 ... my first with both my kids.

My Babies!!!

           

My Biggest Pet Peeves

Everyone has them.  I know I most certainly do.  Pet peeves … those things that other folks do or say that will get on your very last nerve.  And once those things have been done, you find yourself giving your pet peeve offenders the stank face, massive eye rolls, or a smart remark.  You may even want to reach out and touch them (lol). 

Below is a list of my biggest pet peeves.

RIP messages on Facebook / social media.  This is a VERY sore subject with me.  True story.  A couple years ago, one of my cousins suffered an aneurysm that eventually took his life.  I was home one Friday evening looking through Facebook, and someone he knew posted an RIP message on his timeline.  My heart sank.  I immediately called my sister and asked if she had heard anything about our cousin passing away.  Long story short … my cousin was still alive when the RIP message was posted!  He was pronounced dead on Facebook a full two days before the doctors could do it.  And because some woman decided she wanted to be the first to report that my cousin had passed away, my cousin’s mother and siblings were getting calls of condolences when he was still very much alive and still fighting for his life.  I can’t even imagine how that must have felt.

When my father-in-law passed away last year, someone posted the news of his death on Facebook before my husband and in-laws even left the hospital.  How tacky is that?

My mother passed away in 2015.  When my sister and I called relatives and friends to let them know, we also told them not to post anything on Facebook or social media until we did.  We did that for a couple reasons.  First … my niece was out of town when my Mama passed away.  We did not want her to find out about her grandmother’s death by seeing and reading a random Facebook post.  Secondly, we just needed some time.  Time to grieve.  Time to process our loss.  Time to be alone and with each other before the crowds came.  We just needed time.  And I will say this … I think that it’s a sad state of affairs that in addition to losing a loved one, folks now have to find it necessary to ask people to respect their privacy and not post anything on social media.  That should be one of the last things people have to think about when they lose someone.  

People who don’t wash their hands when they leave the bathroom.  If you do this, you nasty.  Period.  Putting your hands under water for 2 seconds doesn’t count as hand-washing, either.  And this leads me directly to my next pet peeve …

Office potlucks.  I don’t do ‘em for the exact reason I listed above … folks don’t wash their hands when they leave the bathroom.  Everybody’s hygiene habits ain’t good, and I’m not taking any chances.  If I participate in office potlucks, there are only 2 reasons why … the food is catered or I study the list of who’s bringing what and only partake of the food from folks I know and trust.  You know … like at family reunions (lol).  And isn’t it hilarious how the folks with the bad hygiene habits always seem to wonder why nobody ate their covered dish?  That cracks me up!  I just want to shake and tell them, “Nobody ate your food because YOU NASTY!!!!” 

 

People who mispronounce my name.  This has been a lifelong pet peeve of mine.  My name is pronounced “Ahn-dree-ah” … not “ANNNNNNNN-dree-ah”.  “ANNNNNNNN-dree-ah” is the equivalent of fingernails scratching a chalkboard to me.  If you mispronounce my name once (or even a couple times), I’ll correct you, but if you continue, you might as well be talking to a wall because I won’t even acknowledge you.  I’m so serious.  It ain’t what you call me, but it’s what I answer to.  I answer folks who take the time to learn the correct pronunciation of my name.  My name is not that difficult to read or say.

It's pronounced "AHN-dree-ah".  Get it right!

 

Rubberneckers.  I don’t get this.  If an accident has occurred on the opposite side from your lane of travel, why does your lane slow down, too?  I have never understood people’s fascination with accidents to the point that they slow down traffic to look at what happened.  Thank your lucky stars that you are okay, say a prayer the others involved in the accident will be okay, and keep it moving.

People who carry on multiple conversations when they are on the phone with me.  This annoys me so much.  If you called to talk to me, then why are you carrying on conversations with other folks?!?!?  Did you call to talk to me or to everybody?  The only people who get a pass from me are folks with young kids because it never fails that kids always seem to want your undivided attention as soon as you pick up the phone, try to relax, etc.  But if you are trying to carry on a conversation with me, the person taking your carryout order, and a random person you see walking on the street, then call me back when you aren’t so distracted. 

People who invade my personal space.  This happens to me frequently when I’m in a check-out line.  I’m standing behind my cart and then I feel someone breathing on my neck … figuratively, of course, but they are still too freakin’ close for my comfort.  And no matter where or how I try to move to get away from these people, they move when I move.  I value my personal space, and I don’t need strangers all up in it.  Back up and gimme 3 to 5 feet.  Please and thank you.

People who always have to one-up you.  We all know someone like this.  No matter how happy or miserable you are, they always have an example or reason why they are happier or more miserable than you … like it’s a contest or something.  ANNOYING!!!

 

What are some of your pet peeves?

           

Five Reasons Why I'm Ready For "Black Panther"

I don’t know about y’all, but ever since I saw the first movie trailer of Marvel's “Black Panther” a few months ago, February 16^th could not get here soon enough.  We’re just a few days away from opening day, and I feel like a kid that’s been anxiously waiting for Christmas to come, and Christmas is taking its own sweet time getting here.  I’ve bought my tickets.  I got my outfit together.  (Well, I think I do.  But after seeing pictures of folks attending the world premiere of the movie, I may have to go back and tweek the outfit a bit … lol.)  I am ready for some “Black Panther”.

There has been so much excitement about the release of the movie that you’d pretty much have to be dead not to have heard or seen anything about it.  And judging from all the buzz and the records the movie has already broken with ticket pre-sales, “Black Panther” will leave its mark on Hollywood and will become one of those iconic films in the Black community that everyone will quote, would have seen at least 20 times, and will be happily passed down to the next generation of young brothers and sisters.  For real.  I feel like it’s gonna be THAT big.

How Black folks will start greeting each other after we see "Black Panther". 

I know I definitely have my reasons for wanting to see “Black Panther”.

1. The lead character, Chadwick Boseman, is from my hometown of Anderson, SC.  No, I don’t know him personally, but because of my hometown connection to him, I will support anything this brother does.  I’ve already seen other movies where he’s played the lead character (“42”, “Get On Up”, and “Marshall”).  So there is no question that I’ll be at the theater with bells on to see “Black Panther”.  Go Chadwick!

 

2.  Have you seen the cast?  Oh!  My!  Damn!!! 
 

A couple of my favorite actors of all time is in this movie.  Angela Bassett?!?!?  Forest Whitaker?!?!?  That was enough for me.  But then, they had the nerve to add Sterling K. Brown, Michael B. Jordan (with his fine self), the “Get Out” dude (Daniel Kaluuya), and Tupac’s mama (Danai Gurira)?  What?!?!?  AND … Lupita Nyung’o?!?!?  Lemme tell you how much I love Lupita.  I have a picture of her on my Black girl magic wall at work.  That’s how much I love Lupita Nyung’o.  
 

3.  This film is going to showcase Blackness is all its excellence.  We aren’t going to be portrayed as slaves, servants, drug addicts or dealers, deadbeat parents, prisoners, or pimps and prostitutes.  In this movie, we are kings and queens.  We are super heroes.  We are warriors.  We run shit.  Okay?!?!?  There are a couple pictures from the movie featuring all the Black women warriors and protectors walking behind the king with a “You bet NOT touch him” look on their faces.  Those photos literally gave me goosebumps the first time I saw them.  Those pictures aren’t just metaphors or fiction.  That’s real.  Black women have fought and protected our kings and families for forever.  That protector spirit will be on full display on the big screen, and I'm all here for it.

 

 

 4.  I am excited about the positive imagery of Blackness the film will give our young Black boys and girls.  I am taking my son and some of his friends to see the movie on opening night.  We rolling up in the theater 15 people deep!  I am excited to share this movie with my kids because I know it will have a lasting impression on them.  I’m buying the soundtrack.  When the movie makes it to DVD / blu-ray, it’s as good as bought.  I can’t wait to see my kids’ faces when they see the movie, and I can’t wait to talk with them about it when it’s over.         

5.  The excitement that has spilled over in the Black community is palpable.  For months now, we have all talked about and shared our excitement over the release of “Black Panther” in conversation and on social media, and I love it!!!  I plan on taking pictures at the theater in front of movie posters or displays, and I can’t wait to see all the “Black Panther” posts on social media after the movie hits theaters.  This isn’t just going to be a box office smash.  “Black Panther” is going to be a cultural event.  And during Black history month, too?!?!?!?  February 2018 will go down as the biggest and blackest Black history month EVER!!!!!

I don’t know if I’ve made myself clear, but just in case I haven’t …

I. 

CAN’T. 

WAIT.  

WAKANDA FOREVER!!

Five Things We Need to Stop Doing in 2018

2017 is over.  I, like many folks this time of year, have taken the time to reflect on the year that has passed and have begun to plan for the year to come.  I've made a list of things that I (and perhaps we all) need to stop doing in 2018.

1.  We need to stop begging people to be in our lives, cut our losses, and let them go.  Here's an example.  You invite folks over or ask them to hang out with you.  They can never find time for you in their busy schedules, but you turn around and see them in pictures on Facebook living it up and traveling with other people.  We all make time for the people and things we want to make time for.  So if you are not figured into other people's equations, take the hint.  Maya Angelou once said, to paraphrase, believe people when they show you who they are.  Instead of chasing after folks who see you only as an option, concentrate and love on the folks who are always there for you.

2.  We need to stop expecting folks to feel and act like we do.  I'm preaching to myself here.  One of my biggest faults is that I have a big heart, and I am always disappointed by folks because I expect them to feel, act, and do like I would.  BIG MISTAKE!!!!  If you don't want to be constantly disappointed, then don't expect anything from anyone.  This has been a hard lesson to learn, but it's a necessary one.

3.  We need to stop neglecting ourselves.  Repeat after me ... SELF-CARE.  It seems as if we are always looking after and taking care of other people.  We need to remember to take care of ourselves.  Exercise.  Eat right.  Meditate.  Send time by ourselves.  Make time to read.  Get massages.  Go to the movies.  Get some rest.  Learn to say "no".  Whatever you need to do to recharge and refresh yourself, do it ... often and regularly and not just when you are at your wit's end. 

4.  We need to stop neglecting our dreams.  You've always wanted to start a business?  What's stopping you?  Remove those roadblocks and go for it.  Life got in the way, and you weren't able to go back to school?  Make the time.  Life is too short to live it with regrets and "what ifs".   Live your best life and do what you can to make your dreams come true.  Start your business.  Go back to school.  Book that trip.  Just do it!!!

5.  We need to stop talking about racism, trying to explain our struggles about living as Black folks in America, and trying to explain why Black lives matter to folks who either can't understand or are so comfortable in their privilege that they ain't trying to understand.  For real.  If this country's history of slavery, Jim Crow, police brutality on black and brown bodies, mass incarceration, and an unfair criminal justice system ain't enough to make people understand how there's been a generational effect on Black folks, nothing you can say will change their minds, either.  Don't waste your time, breath, or energy.  Don't even engage.

Happy 2018!  Here's to living your best life!