A few years ago, my son played soccer in a recreation league. He had never played soccer before and wanted to give it a try, so my husband and I let him. I’m just gonna be blunt here … my son’s soccer team was horrible. Terrible. Pitiful. There was a point when the games were just plain painful to watch. They went the entire season without winning a game. Seriously. They didn’t win one single game. Not one.
Once the season was over, the coach had a small social gathering for the team members and their parents. At this gathering, each player was given a trophy. The coach’s reason for the recognition? The players were given trophies for showing up and participating in every game.
This soccer trophy was my son’s first trophy ever, so he was very excited to get it. I, on the other hand, was puzzled and slightly annoyed. See, I’m old school. My feeling is that when you commit to do something (In my son’s case, the commitment was playing on a soccer team.), showing up and participating in every game is what’s expected. Why, then, would you get a trophy for doing something you’re supposed to do anyway?
At the risk of sounding like an old timer, back in my day, trophies were reserved for those folks who competed, who accomplished a major goal, or who WON something. You worked diligently to reach a goal, and the fruit of your labor was a nice, shiny trophy. The trophy meant something … that you worked hard and were rewarded for your achievement. It was symbolic of your time and effort. You were not given anything. You earned that trophy.
Not long after the soccer trophy, a parent at my son’s school complained about a quarterly program the school has to recognize the students who make the honor roll. The parent complained the program made the students who didn’t make the honor roll feel bad, and the recognition should stop to spare hurt feelings. I’m happy to report the recognition program still takes place, and the school didn’t give in to the parent’s request.
So … have we become a society that rewards kids for the smallest of things? Are we sending the wrong message to our kids by recognizing and rewarding them for doing what’s expected of them? And if that’s the norm, what do we do for the kids who go above and beyond? And further, are some parents hurting their kids more than helping them by coddling them into mediocrity? Borrowing and paraphrasing a line from the character Harrison of “Scandal”, are we raising gladiators or wimps? (Yeah, I’m keeping it G-rated.)
Let me go back to the example of the parent who complained about the quarterly honor roll recognition. I can’t believe the parent actually had the nerve to suggest to the school’s administrators to discontinue the recognition program because their child – ONE child in school of a few hundred children – didn’t make the honor roll. Instead of complaining and trying to “fix” something for your child at the expense of others, how about encouraging your child to do better or work harder? And if you see that your child is putting forth the effort but still not getting it, then how about paying attention to see what kind of help your child needs and getting him or her some help? It never would have crossed my mind to ask the school to stop recognizing other kids to spare my child’s feelings.
Again, I am very much from the old school. I expect my children to do well in school. Period. If they work and study hard and put forth some effort, their reward will be making good grades. My daughter is still in daycare, but my son is in the fifth grade, so he knows the deal. While I encourage him to do his best in school and in all things, and he knows I am very proud of his efforts, there’s no big production or song and dance for doing what I expect him to do. Study hard? Make good grades. He gets a pat on the back, and we keep it moving. Simple … and it works.
However, if I see my kids struggling or needing help with something, I will do what I can within reason to help them. I won’t baby or coddle them. I won’t let them sit back as I do their work for them. I want my kids to be able to do things for themselves without having to rely on anyone else or without expecting things to be handed to them without them putting in some work. And if they fail to do something, I want them to be strong enough to pull themselves up, dust off their boots, and get back to work until they do whatever it is they set out to accomplish.
Since the soccer trophy, there have been other “show up and play” trophies and medals my son has received for his participation in other sports, and I still get annoyed every time he gets one. What I absolutely do not want to happen is that he and my daughter begin to expect praise and recognition for doing regular stuff. I don’t want them to grow up, go out in the real world, and get slapped with the reality that regular is not even close to being good enough … and then left wondering how to cope when they don’t get a “show up and go to work” trophy.
I refuse to raise spoiled, entitled children who expect much for doing little. The Bigelow kids will not be show up and play kids. No wimps allowed. My prayer is that my husband and I will prepare them well for life. In the words of the great Frederick Douglass, “It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.”
